There are a few things you should know about monsters, but I can’t offically tell you any of them. I am a covert operative, and I have about five minutes to tell you everything they don’t want you to know. So listen carefully, and REMEMBER! I was never here!
First things first, Frankenstien. The doctor is not a crackpot like everyone says, he’s a genius. Frankenstein’s first monster was just the tip of the iceberg. There are more creatures, more secret plots, more experiments. Creating a monster to better mankind, my foot! Who ever heard of anything like that. Let’s cut through all of the altruistic jabber here, He is an evil genius. I can’t say too much, but let me just say this, if you thought Frankenstein’s first monster was terrifying, wait until you get a load of his latest, their calling it the Ronald. It is orange as a pumpkin, with hair as dry as straw, pointed teeth, dead eyes, and sticky fingers. They think they might. . . . Did you hear something?
Now that I think about it Frankenstien’s Monster and his wife have worked out to be pretty successful agents, true, they are a little slow, we have to repeat mission directions about five times, and they won’t do any missions apart. They make a pretty good team. She is quick witted, and he is strong as an ox. Between the two of them there isn’t much that they couldn’t accomplish. They are thinking about settling down and starting a family, but the bureau needs them too much, especially right now. You just can’t replace them.
What else is there? Jekyll and Hyde, That guy, . . . those guys, They’re such a hoot. He’s the biggest pretender of the lot. He is super black ops. All I can say about that is that he is the best there is. James bond has no hold on this guy. He can get into anywhere as Dr. Jekyll. He lunches with Kings and Queens, “flips a switch” ::wink-wink::, and all of a sudden he’s “someone else?” You don’t actually buy that do you? I tell you he is the worlds greatest pretender. I can’t go into further detail, but just know that he is the real reason to the end of WWII.
Here is where the funny part of our story happens. Dracula, the Count, a vampire, Edward, whatever you want to call him. He was supposed to be the ultimate spy. We spent decades training him to be smooth, and charismatic, charming, subtle. He has ended up being the biggest joke. No one takes him seriously. He is like the bad lounge singer on the Love Boat. It turns out, he has little talent as a spy. He attracts so much attention wherever he goes, they had to fire him. He didn’t seem to get the hint though, as he still hangs around all the time . . . Are you sure you didn’t hear something? . . . Oh well.
Then there is the goul, he is a little aloof. He never speaks to any of the other agents, for my part I think he is a little uptight. A night on the town might just do him some good, but it’s little use telling him that. While he is a complex fellow, there are times when I feel like he is almost transparent. We have to give him the lightest workload because he can’t carry anything. He does have a talent for getting into a closed room which has been super useful.
Speaking of witches, we have several working for us, but the best is by far the one from the west. She just has this manipulative power that is great for working over a mark. Her green color is a little off-putting, but she seems to wear it well. Don’t ever bring it up to her though, she is a little paranoid about it.
There are also the hoard of zombie undead that we keep locked in the basement in times of extreme need. We really don’t like to bring these guys out, as they seem to infect everyone. They also are not picky on diet which makes them a little too dangerous to release to the public. That was another one of Frankenstien’s experiments. Not quite as successful though, I guess his track record is pretty bad.
Who else is there? . . . The wolf man, he is a narcissist. He was everyone’s favorite guy in high school; Star quarter back, student body president, yadda yadda. Loved looking at his strong, squared jaw in the mirror. Well, He turned twenty and became a victim of early onset balding. He used rogaine, which is a foam that helps people grow hair. For some reason, I think a switch went loose in his brain. He started using it everywhere, now he combs his thick, curly, chocolate colored fur constantly. He has made a profession of touring the country putting on a moonlight show for people and howling, “I’m such an animal I tear my shirt! Aaargh!” The reality, the guys a vegetarian, and a pacifistic. He couldn’t hurt a fly. We know, we tried recruiting him for our program, the only one he ever hurt was a reporter at a PETA demonstration. How’s that for uncontrollable?
Other monsters on the list. The mummy, I just feel so sorry for him. All he ever wanted was to get sleep, and he never seems able to. He was buried about 4000 years ago in the center of a massive pyramid, one with false rooms, and only accessible from certain angles. What about that says come on in, I would love visitors. Yet, here they come. Every thousand years or so, someone practical joker gets the brilliant idea to send a friend in there on a dare. Well, about forty years ago, our bureau recruited him as an agent, and despite a really awful case of morning breath, he has worked out pretty well. If we can keep him awake long enough to go on a mission, he gets it done faster than anyone else. However, he is usually our last choice because he just lacks a certain amount of finesse. His negative attitude also tends to effect morale with the rest of the agents, they start dragging their heels and moaning, . . . I know I heard someone that time. We had better wrap it up here. Who am I you ask? I’ll give you a hint. I hide better than you; you will never see me, even when you look straight at me. Remember, you never saw me!