A long time ago, I mean a really long time ago, probably about 65 million years ago, give or take. There lived a humble goaticorn. Well, there also lived dinosaurs, and small mammal type creatures, flying creatures who were cousins to the dinosaurs, and swimming reptiles; but out story is about the goaticorn. I suppose you could say that he falls into the category of small mammal, but that would be quibbling over details and we don’t do that here. It was a dangerous time for a small creature to exist. If you know anything about the food chain you know that the small creatures like mammals feed on green things like plants and grasses. Some will feed on small insects as well, then other creatures who are a little bit bigger eat them. And so it goes up to the top, where sits the illustrious Tyrannosaurus Rex. Well, goaticorn was an herbivore in theory. He was only really supposed to eat plants, and that was true to the point that he didn’t eat other animals, how disgusting (he thought to himself). However it was also equally true that he didn’t only eat plants. He would eat pretty much whatever there was to eat, he ate plants and dirt, and rocks, and tennis shoes and macaroni and cheese, and pizza, and twinkies, and . . .Oh, you think they didn’t have pizza and twinkies in the mesozoic era? Shows how much you know. As I was saying, he would eat pretty much anything that wasn’t alive. Now Goaticorn came from a family of animals similar to our modern day goats. They were small, hoofed, and furry creatures. However, none of them had horns. Goaticorn was the only one, let’s call him an evolutionary oddity (that means that he was different from all the other goats). The other goats often made fun of goaticorn as a kid because his horn was so long, and his body so small and scrawny. Aside from it’s bully attractive qualities, his horn was also a huge nuisance; that means that it was a pain in the . . . rump. He was constantly getting tangled in tropical vines, and bushes, and other goats beards. Needless to say, he was not exactly the herd favorite. He was really a very lonely goat.
He met a stegosaurus walking along one day with huge fan-like plates sticking out of it’s back, and not only that, there were spiny spikes coming off of his tail. Surely this creature would understand his plight. He called out to the stegosaurus, “Stegosaurus, Stegosauras, STEGOSAURAS!” Finally, the dinosaur heard him and turned about. “What do you want?” he asked, a little snobbishly if you ask me. Goaticorn, thrown a little off asked, “Um, . . how do you manage to not get caught on everything with all your. . .” The stegosaurus looked offended, “My plates help to regulate my body temperature, that means they keep me warm or cool. Along with my spikes, they are a protection me, thank you very much.” With a final huff he plodded again down the road.
The next day he met a three horned dinosaur that you will all know, Triceratops. He looked at the massive dinosaur, so graceful in it’s majesty. He wondered how it was that Triceratops moved so without getting caught on anything. “Ahem,” said goaticorn. The triceratops did not hear him, in fact the poor goaticorn was practically yelling before the dinosaur heard him. ” EXCUSE ME, MR TRICERATOPS!” he asked. “What, oh, hum.” The gentle triceratops leaned over,”What is that you say?” he asked. “I was wondering how you use your horns without getting caught on everything.” asked the timid goaticorn. Triceratops chuckled for a minute as he thought about it, “I don’t suppose I do. These horns get caught on everything. But I wouldn’t trade them for anything, you see, when a Tyrannosaurus wants to eat me, these are my best protection.” Goaticorn was floored, he had never thought of that before. Triceratops wandered away while Goaticorn sat down and stared munching on a stick while he thought about this. His horn was very sharp, and was marvelous at stabbing and jabbing. He felt a sharp pain on his hind leg and looked down to see a Segisaurus chewing on it. Then he felt one on his front hoof. He looked around, and was literally surrounded by the tiny therapods. He kicked the ones off of his feet, and reached around and scraped one off with his horn. He swung this way and took out three or four, who ran scampering. He thrust, and struck two more who ran around in circles, bonked heads and fell. He was a vision of courage, and daring. His horn went this way and that, until the tiny carnivores all headed for the hills.
As he walked down the path he strutted a little, and thought to himself, Maybe this horn is useful.” And he never felt embarrassed about his horn again.