I have the best mom in the world, I really do. But sometimes things can get a little scary. Sometimes my mom turns into an ogre. A bona-fide living, breathing, oozing, smelling ogre. You don’t believe me? I can prove it. Take last Monday for example.
My sisters and I were all being perfect angels when out of the blue she turned into this awful monster. Ok, so we were all screaming, and kicking;but the situation was dire, she wanted to give us PICKLES for lunch! Ick! Her hair grew shaggy and unkempt, her eyes raged purple and her skin turned this awful shade of red! Her nose got all turned up like a pig’s snout, and her fingernails became long and razor-sharp. She was a real ogre! An awful rancid smell hung in the air. It was a mix of dirty diapers and rotten apples. She started yelling in this strange incomprehensible language. “I goo ha’ doe gre thing! ! ! Stoo scramming!!!” Does it make sense to you? Me either. I had never been more terrified in my life, OR THRILLED! I’ll bet I am the only kid in my kindergarten class whose mom transforms into anything; let alone something as awesome as an ogre.
It was that day that I decided I would catch the ogre mommy and put her in a zoo because I know a zoo would love to have a real live ogre. I would be world-famous, as the first girl to ever catch an ogre. They would study her, and write books about the psychology of ogres, and dedicate them to me. I could see it all so clearly.
I laid an elaborate trap. I made sure not to clean my room for a long time because ogre mom loves that. I even scattered glitter from my sand art set on the floor. Then I pretended not to listen when real mom asked me to do homework and dishes. Then, to top it all off I pinched my little sister and blamed it on my other sister. Ogre mom always comes out when it’s chaotic, and this was the perfect recipe. She looked around at the dishes in the sink, and the glitter on the floor and I could see her skin turning red and patchy, the veins in her eyes took on a magenta hue. I knew I had her then.
She went into her room. I followed her with my net, my best scarf for tying her up, and a pair of handcuffs I’d gotten at my last birthday. You have to be prepared with ogres, they are so crafty. She was pacing back and forth in front of her bed. I climbed on the mattress behind her and very quietly slunk closer. Slowly I lifted my net, then wham I put it on top of her head. I had done it! “AAAAAAAAAAAH,“ the monster screamed. She was up grabbing at the net and almost had it off. I jumped and gripped her around the middle, pinning her arms. I clapped one of the cuffs around her wrist, but realized then that there was no way I was going to get it on her other arm. She started fighting, I didn’t even get time to think about using my scarf. I held on for dear life. Ogres have been known to tear people’s heads off you know! I certainly didn’t want to lose mine. She was devious though, somehow she managed to free her arms. I slid to the floor, and buried my head between her legs. I opened one eye wide enough to see the net fly across the room. That’s when I had a thought, maybe catching her wasn’t a good idea after all. Then I felt her strong hands wrenching me off, I couldn’t last much longer.
Finally I felt my fingertips slide away from her bare ankles. I was dead meat. I had fought the ogre and lost. I resigned myself to my fate. The ogre threw me on the bed then and began tormenting me in the cruelest way possible. She TICKLED me. My insides felt like they would explode. Her feather flew like feathers on my tummy. I felt my resolve weakening under the enormous strain! “Stop, stop!” I cried. “I give up! You win, don’t eat me! I’ll tell you whatever you want to know.” Then, strangely enough it stopped; I never thought that an ogre would actually listen. The monster must have felt pity on me.
Next thing I knew I was looking up at my mom again, she swooped me up and cuddled me close to her and laughed and laughed. She said that was a very good joke.
I never will know how she changes back and forth so quickly. It seems the ogre escaped this time; but there’s always bath time, and ogre mom can never resist bath time.